Archipelago of Lost Souls (AoLS)

I just love how no one has any problems or complaints with my story so far, aside from the spelling and grammatical errors which are currently being highlighted and corrected by my editor (aka my mom).

Please let me know if there is something you find confusing or unclear. I would really appreciate it.

I think I have to go back and re-read everything before I can comment. It turns out to be tough to read bits and pieces of multiple stories over a period of time and keep them all straight.

John Edlund

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I will be finishing up my story, hopefully by the end of this week and then proofreading it to fix all the mistakes.

Thank you though for trying to keep track of them all.

Chapter 7 coming soon!

Hey, you actually followed our advice about separating dialgue by paragraphs =) You're doing well.

But what did you think about the chapter?

I think that breaking it up this way makes it more clear, but it is still not my favorite style.

I would really appreciate some input into my story. I haven't been getting very much and I don't know what I need to fix before finishing the story. Any insight would be great.

Thanks!

This is from Chapter 1

Sphinexfire wrote:

...“How old are you, girl?” Varse approached his sister cautiously, “Five. We are both five. This is my sister Syran, and I’m Varse.” Thresles stared at her blankly for a little bit,...

A suggestion. Don't make the reader read redundant things. Instead of quoting Varse's introduction (since we all know who everyone is) just say '"Five. We are both five," and then Varse made the introduction.' or something like that. Also some of you phrases are not specific enough. I have the same problem I think. Since you know what everything is already, you are likely to leave out necessary things. In your case specifically I haven't found any that are crucial to the plot, but they're confusing as to what exactly the character(s) is doing. It's like a small blip in your story. It's like this:
Okay, Syran and Varse are talking... *blip*, pause, what was that, *reading ahead*, oh well they follow Thresles here but I still don't understand, *continues reading*.

Another thing that has to deal with your overall style... When you write, you write in actions and feelings. The reader is never allowed to know the motives of your characters this way (unless they guess). I think it's kind of jerky writing (starts and stops a lot). What I mean by that is that one second Syran and Varse hear a guard coming, and the next thing I read is that they both cover Thresles with their wings. So I picture one second, the two children are looking up listening and trying to see the guard while Thresles is in the corner, and the next second I see the two kids suddenly next to Thresles covering him at the exact same time in the exact same way like you might see in a video game. There was that mental jump it seemed. Your writing makes me jump, mentally a lot.

This is from Chapter 3

Sphinexfire wrote:

Storming through the crowd, still leery around the crowd, she saw him leaning up against the wall near her. Thresles’s face looked tired, but his eyes were darting and alert, “A hero’s death! For a child?” He looked at her, her alluring shape, her elegant wings, the black fur across her legs. A fool would have thought her beautiful. Yet Thresles knew better. Her body may have been blinding, but her soul had a hint of hatred to it that betrayed all illusion of beauty. He had known her for a long time; he knew how she felt about the kill. She returned his gaze a long time before she responded, “He cut his fingers with the Madeline knowing the agony and slow death a small scratch would cause him before he would die. He expected nothing more than a peasant’s painless death. He humbly cast aside his innocence and accepted his fate. He was my hero for the day. Besides, it’s been a long time since I have seen that much blood. I missed it.” He was always amazed at how unfeeling she could be sometimes and then how tender she could be at others. Her callousness about the child’s death disgusted him, even revolted him and yet, her comments about her hero had a surprising note of serenity to it. If he did not know her better and if he could have replaced her, he would have. But she was the best. No one was ever so committed to the kill, no one ever took so much joy in the sight of the last breath or the blood soaked concrete...

You use a lot of sentences that start with He or She. The effect this has on me is that I find it harder to read. It gets repetitive. Maybe you should change that up a bit?

Also, as a reader, I don't get the feeling of comfortablility with your story. What I mean is that by chapter 3, I've not been able to settle down into a comfortable setting or identify with a character. I don't know enough about what's going on to guess what will happen next. I mean when I start chapter 3 I know Syran is going to kill someone so she can get back somewhere for dinner.

Oh yes... You're still limiting your audience to those people who know what a River Dance is.

I'm sorry my suggestions are so general and the solutions call for such big changes. On top of that, I'm not giving you the advice you want with your story--I'm not helping you write your next chapter. Just trying to help.

PS-BTW I want you to see something I've created. Your going to laugh, but hopefully you'll like it.

Here is the last chapter.

As I am sure you have already notice, and as it has been pointed out by my friend Daniel, who I greatly appreciate, it has a lot that needs to be fixed. Now that the actual story is all laid out, I can go back and tear it apart.

So I beg of you, please critique it to your hearts content. I really want to know what you don't like or what you have problems with so that I can fix it. I would love to have a million suggestions as to what needs fixing so that I can fix it.

Thanks

Thank you Daniel for all your input into my story.

I will work on the ambiguity of the sentences and try to make them easier to read. My editor is going to love checking for all my spelling and grammatical mistakes that I know are in there.

While you are not supposed to get comfortable, you are supposed to get an idea of what is going on. I was really, really hoping to create a character everyone could unanimously hate, but that seems to be more difficult that it appeared.

And I have no objections to your comments. You are helping even if it is in subtle ways.

Thanks a bunch!!! I really appreciate it.

I'll try to work on the jumpyness of my presentation. I have noticed it to but as you say, we (the writers) have a hard time noticing the blips because we know precisely what is going on. But I have not really seen this problem in your story. It all makes sense to me.

Good job!!!

There are various schools of thought on repetition of words and phrases. Hemingway's characters repeat stuff a lot. He does that because real conversation is like that. I'm making this up, but it is pretty close to a conversation in "Hills Like White Elephants."

"Anise del Toro."
"What's that?"
"It's a drink."
"A drink?"
"Shall we try it?
"Yeah, let's try it. That's all we do is travel and try new drinks."
"Do you want to try it or not?"
"Yeah, let's try it."
"It tastes like licorice."
"All new drinks seem to taste like licorice. Even Absynthe."

Another controversy is about using "he said, she said." It gets ridiculous pretty quickly if you start substituting fancy words for these phrases, like "he chortled," or "she queried." One school of thought is that the "he said, she said" gets processed, but not really read, so it doesn't really count as repetition.

Pronouns themselves help tie things together by creating linkages between different parts of the text (cohesion). Pronouns are fine as long as the referents are clear. After a stretch of pronouns, however, the reader might get lost, so you have to re-lexify.

John Edlund

hey, I have a bunch of little comments I can show you during class, and I just briefly read the last chapter...so keep that in mind...

Question 1: the Madelines...they are poisonous, but to who? "A single scratch will kill you." but Syran gets scratched up during her dance fight with Legion. So is she immune to the poison? Are the demons immune? It seems like you start forshadowing something with the blades being darker after fighting with the demons, so does that mean the poison is gone? You never answer that question...not to my knowledge. Or is Syran so tired because she is dying?

Question 2: After rescueing the child, it says the guards were on hourly rotations, and that they hadnt found the dead....It sounds like setup for something. Does it have to do with the army waiting? The last part of that paragraph is a bit confusing. What exactly happens there, when they reach the top of the steps...

Question 3: Ok...this one is a tip. Chapter 6, when Gabriel intrudes into the dream, we dont know who is talking till the end of the speech. We go from Syran talking to someone talking about "her". We expect Snowfires to be talking, so just give us a sentence letting us know Gabriel is intruding.

Question 4: I like the end of chapter 6, but how do we get from that to the last chapter. Wheat?, field? You end ch. 6 setting up for the big final scene, and then cut to them talking and laughing again....did i miss a chapter? Did she wake up? Is she still dreaming?

I'll read the last chapter more closely and then let you know about that....

Sorry Andrea, I just changed the ending to chapter 6 that set the scene for chapter 7. I have just updated chapter 6 and it should make more sense. Sorry!!!

Does anyone else have any comments? Please!!!!

Hi again!

You told me walking to class the other day that you wanted people to hate Syran. So I suggested you tell the story from a different viewpoint, like Thresles (you corrected me and told me Varse would be the best viewpoint character).

The thing is, people naturally empathize with the viewpoint character. I mean, you're telling me about Syran's claustrophobia in Chapter 3 as you're telling me that Thresles avoids her gaze for fear of provoking her. You're telling me Syran's weaknesses, her affections for the little kid on the playground (giving him a hero's death). I mean, the crowd loves her. Can you see why I would see Syran as a tough character with an obvious soft spot? Furthermore, could you see why I'd think anyone (Thresles) is rather weak for fearing Syran?

If you want to make people hate Syran and maximize the later parts of the story when she goes through a life changing event, you might need to make some major changes. My best suggestion is that you change the narration of the story. I'd talk to Dr. Edlund about this, or maybe we can make an appointment at the Writing Center. You'll probably want to send a pm Dr. Edlund's way, though.

One other thing that's always a good question for a writer after finishing the first drafts. Did you say everything you wanted to say in your story? I'm sorry folks, but be prepared if the end of the school year comes around and I don't have my book finished. Let's make that clear now because I don't want anyone being disappointed. If you like I can keep people updated as it goes. *cough* got of topic...

I mean, this is your story, is it everything you ever wanted it to be? If it isn't, maybe you can find a way to make Syran more mysterious and hated as you find ways to say what you want said? I wouldn't know because I haven't read everything yet, but do you explain the Archipeligo of Lost Souls in the story? Maybe tying that into the story if it isn't already in there can also help...

Best of luck!

PS-- I really like your story, despite the doomsday atmosphere, bible references, and part animal assasins.

Thanks for all your input Daniel. I will be completely destroying my essay this weekend in order make it better and fix the mistakes. I do think changing the viewpoint character would be an extremely powerful tool for making Syran truly hated. The only thing I am trying to work out is how to explain some of her fears. I guess what I could do is scenes through different characters perspectives.

For example, when Syran kills Robin, we know that Thresles is watching. I could put the entire scene through his eyes to improve the revolting effect of the reader towards Syran. When I am attempting to illude to a deeper, inner feeling, I could move to Varse's perspective who obviously knows her better and would be able to sympathize regardless of Syran's dangerous and often cruel persona.

We should definitely make appointments at the Writing Center but that might make more sense when we iron out most of the kinks and are only left with grammatical and spelling mistakes.

Thanks again for all your help!!!

Nishel,

I think Daniel is right about viewpoint characters, but I don't think that you really want the reader to hate Syran.

Sherwood Anderson wrote a book called Winesburg, Ohio which he subtitled "The book of grotesques." It is a series of short stories, each of which presents a character who is broken, troubled or flawed. There is a man who hates women. There is a girl who waits her whole life for a boyfriend to return. There is smart guy who talks too much. Some of the characters are quite ugly. We are repulsed. However, the story makes us understand how they came to be the way they are, so that by the end, we understand. We don't want to be that character, but we have more understanding and sympathy than when we started.

Wicked by Gregory Maguire is sort of like this too.

I think that is what you want for Syran. You don't want the reader to like her, but you want the reader to empathize enough to learn something from who she is. So I don't think that you should rewrite everything from a different viewpoint, although shifting viewpoints in places might help your purpose, as long as the reader doesn't get confused.

John Edlund

I agree. I just wasn't sure you wanted to have other points of view besides Syran (wasn't sure if that was your style).

Thanks guys. I should have specified. Only certain scenes such as the early onces need to be told from a different perspective. I just finished telling Chapter 1 from Varse's point of view, and I will post it later, but I am not sure it conveys the proper level or repulsion I want the characters to feel. I will continue working on.

And you are absolutely correct Dr. Edlund. I do want the reader to be disgusted by Syran and really hate to read about her (in the beginning) and then I want the scene where Varse is killed told in her perspective and the rest of the story from there on out. I think this would effectively instill the hatred of her I want in the reader and then melt away some of that hatred into understanding.

I'll see what I can do. More reviews to come!

Thanks sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!

By the way Daniel, I found your pencil. It was in my DND notebook. You must have droppd it when you were flipping through my book. I'll give it back on Monday.