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Multi

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Mon Apr 28, 2008 2:21 pm

Thanks!!! I really appreciate your comments. Very Happy

It's part of Sarah's character to be uncertain. However, people have complained about Sarah breaking up at his apartment when they know they should evacuate. Making the conversation take place on the way back from the hill would be much better. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll try to make that fit. Smile

As for my opening paragraph, that's always going to have problems I think. At least until the story is finished. I'll continue trying to fix it, like I'll continue to find the grammar errors and sentence variation. Neutral
Thanks again!! Very Happy Hopefully I can reward your comments soon as I write chapter 5...

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:23 am

I had the complaint (from Nishel) that my story is hard to read because it's always being edited. You can't ever know if the story changed in a previous chapter while you're reading the next chapter. Crying or Very sad

Don't worry about it. If something major were to change, say I had to rewrite a section because it doesn't make sense and it came out different, then I would re-post it. None of that has happened. No That's not to say I haven't had errors, of course, but those errors are all minor changes. I've had to change the time of a conversation, I've had to change how much shock characters exhibit in reaction to events, and I've had to change that darned first paragraph a lot. None of those affect the story plot so that you won't understand something later. Smile

If you're reading my story, just pick up the chapter you left off. You'll understand everything and the risk that you'll have to re-read something is minimal (that is to say if I do have to rewrite a part in the plot, you can read it in a later post).

Anyway, I hope this works for everyone. Very Happy

PS--And yes, this is a full length book. It will take you a little while to read.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:32 pm

Chapter 5- Push

Almost whole week had passed since the aliens arrived. On the morning of the the sixth day the last of the military finished setting up their perimeter of defense encompassing the state park like a triangle. The last batallions were trickling in. Severe traffic along the freeways had made it nearly impossible for the civilians to leave, which in turn forced the military to use other means of transportation. Money was wasted constantly as tanks and other heavy equipment were airlifted over the clogged roads. Yet, some batallions found themselves wading through the masses, going against the flow.

One such man was the field commander for the Chino Hills defense line. As he walked, Colonel Michelson grumbled to himself. He could find something wrong with just about everything. For instance, it was made aparent almost immediately upon arrival that the aliens would shoot anything at anything. The first few obliterated satelites were warning enough. Yet, the govenment had been unforgivably slow. If the government had acted faster, the US might have at least half of its satelites still--military or otherwise. If the government had reacted faster, they wouldn't have lost that squadron of reconnaissance planes also flying too high. The funny part was, the Chinese lost a few spyplanes later on that night. Michelson was disappointed that none of the news channels had covered that. If the government had acted faster, the evacuation could have been co-ordinated using the military, instead of fighting for room on the highways like the civilians. Useless bureaucrats! Useless city planners and their bumper to bumper traffic! I hope they rot with embarassment when the military can't save their precious cities because it can't wade through all of the mistakes they've made. Even as he cursed under his breath, he knew the limits of his frustration. After all, who was he to judge the government on an issue of such magnitude when he had no better solutions to its problems.

The little Sleepy Hollow area along Carbon Canyon road was a secluded community. The driveways that led away from the main, windy road usually turned behind some bushes or trees, hiding the houses from view. The grocery store was a small local business, and the restraunts all looked like oversized cabins with neon signs. A creek followed the road at some parts. It felt like Colonel Michelson was in some community at the base of a mountain, or the edge of a forest. The only thing missing were the mountains and trees. Then the scene would have been complete with tourist shops selling odd rocks or posters.

He walked through the small parking lot and entered the largest building of the Western Hills Golf and Country Club, which was the best temporary HQ for their position. No one was waiting for him inside. Military personnel hurried past him out the doors, and through the rooms as they relayed messages and recieved assignments. After stopping a few soldiers he found his way to his office at the back of the building. Opening the door and setting his belongings under his desk, he began to flip through the many papers left scattered across it. One of these was the temporary phone directory where he found the numbers for all of his staff. Finally he could begin his work.

---------------------------------------

On what had been the grassy campgrounds of Chino Hills State Park now stood the hangars for the many walkers and other war machines of the Tyran dominion. The three hangars were lined with repair bays, each housing an average of 8 walkers each. Other, lesser important vehicles were left to withstand the elements outside. The special folding metal that enabled the speedy set-up and tear-down of these structures was a rare commodity.

Walking along the catwalk of the hangar, Tori could see out past the walkers to the hills of weeds and bushes beyond. Punch had been taking him, and sometimes Distance, out on training missions ever since Tori was well enough to walk. He wasn't the only human in training. Many other humans had been captured, especially soldiers, and could be seen frequently on the training grounds. Although he saw little of the others, he could tell the they weren't covered in little metal studs. Everything that moved, including himself, wore an implant.

At the beginning of his training, Tori was given a humaniod walker with bulky guns for arms. Like a car, the driver's seat was off center, which made room for a long-range missile rack on top. Despite the size difference in species, the walker was no taller than the Tyran versions. At first, Tori was confused. Why were the Tyrans giving him a weapon? He soon learned that most able-bodied prisoners were given walkers. Still, he thought, why give humans weapons? In the several days of training he had not found the answer to that question.

Today Punch was happy about something. Distance had felt it too, and it made them both uncomfortable. Quite a lot Tyrans passed them on the catwalks. Some were hurrying to relay messages, others were scrambling to their walkers. All of them looked like headless, metallic chickens. Walking past bay after bay of stationary walkers, Punch would randomly touch a wall or railing to give it a mild electric shock with his horn. All Tyrans had a horn that conducted the electricity that flowed through their bodies. Tori knew Punch was wasting his energy every time he did it, which was his way of showing just how good a mood he was in.
"He's like a little kid," Distance remarked, earning herself a little stab of pain.
"Come now!" Punch said cheerily, "you don't want to ruin today for the twigster." It was true. Tori was in a good mood. It had been freezing inside the base, like always. Tori suspected the Tyrans might melt under normal temperatures, and so they kept their station near freezing all of the time. A breath of fresh air had never been more appreciated.
"See, the twigster agrees!" Punch spouted. Tori often caught him listening to his thoughts, but he still never hid anything.

As they arrived at their respective walkers, Tori couldn't help but notice Distance had a little more trouble getting into the cockpit than usual. Punch and Tori started their reactors and raced out of their bays. Punch was out of the gate first, like usual, with Tori close behind, and Distance took her time to pull up the rear. Tori tested his new jump-jet system he had learned about only yesterday. The Tyrans had tried to grasp the human mechanics of movement, and in doing so, had failed to learn how to make one jump. Instead they had merely installed a kind of short-burst jump pack on the rear of the torso, which allowed Tori to "jump" clean over Punch. He landed a little unsurely but kept from falling over.
"Whoa! Hold on there!" Punch shouted, "we're doing something different today." There were a lot of walkers heading off over the hills.
That's strange, thought Tori, Are we having a battle or--
"Will you shut up a second so I can tell ya what's going on!" Punch interrupted jokingly. Tori grumbled a bit, but Punch continued anyway. "We've got a massive surprise comin' to the twigs. Boss says it's never been used before! Says it should make everything faster. He's been runnin' round telling people this thing can work miracles." That was a bit much for Distance.
"Come on. We never get something new. That's just Capstone looking for bragging rights." Punch thought a second, and then gave Distance a prick just because he could. Tori noticed that about Distance and Punch. Punch walked all over Distance, and, yet, he never hurt Tori except when he disobeyed orders.
"Naw. This is fur real! The old stone's and idiot but not this time," he jibed. "Look, the twigs 'ave done it again. Twigster, you live too close to every one. I mean who shares their chargin' space with a girl?" Tori smiled, and Punch continued. "Nevermind. I'll never understand you wierdos. The point is, we got to clear some space." His walker turned towards the north ridge of the canyon. "We're goin' that way cause no one else's goin' that way. Got it? Just hit everything thats hot. We got to clear space for this miracle machine to do its thing!"
"Everything?" Distance's surprise earned her another twinge of pain.
"'Cept each the twigster, course. You cold with that?" Tori knew he meant 'is that okay with you?', and he nodded. With that, the gang charged up the dirt trail to the ridge, trailing a few other walkers looking for a group to join. It was an odd situation, Punch had merely assumed Tori wanted to kill his fellow man, like the way Distance wanted to kill any Tyrans coming after her if she had been freed. Perhaps the Tyrans thought they were liberating humans from their dull slow lives. Tori tried to put himself in Punch's shoes, which prompted Punch to laugh heartily, "You want to be me?" Tori dropped his train of thought.
"Ya, thanks for tearing up the cramped box I used to live in." Punch only laughed some more. Tori laughed also, thinking of the fakery behind his words. Thinking deeper, Tori knew the fakery only masked the truth. In a complicated sort of way, he liked being a part of the Tyrans. Perhaps it was because he knew he could never be the same human he had once been. Tori gradually rejected the idea, knowing the truth to be more twisted than that. Finally, he came to his conclusion. He was wanted here; he didn't have to work to keep his friends. Tori didn't feel threatened here, but most importantly, there would be no Sarahs here that would take him in only to brutally reject him after years of being together. In any case, tonight's going to be one interesting night.

--------------------------------

Colonel Michelson looked up from his papers to see his desk clock. It was about 18:55. 5 minutes til I got to hold that briefing. I better get moving. He started packing his papers, a radio, and other paraphrenalia. He dressed again in his full uniform before leaving for the makeshift tent in the parking lot. As he entered the main lobby, another officer came up to him.
"Sir, are you heading to the meeting at 1900 hours also?"
"At ease Lieutenant. Aff'." the colonel replied shortly. The Lieutenant commander started giving him a report about the fringes of the defense line, but the Colonel raised a hand to cut him off. They had just stepped over the threshold. It was nearly dark and the dimming sun was setting on the ridgeline above. No... That's no Sun. The bright light moved way to fast and in the wrong direction. It arched gracefully downwards, illuminating the ground below as it came over the ridge and collided with a house across the street in a small shockwave of destruction. It took the Colonel a minute to come to his senses. We're too close... he slowly realized.
"Take cover!" the Lieutenant yelled.
A lone walker jettisoned over the ridgeline. It hung in the sky for a second before launching two bouts of missiles and falling back out of sight. Officers scrambled to get out only seconds before the tent exploded in a shower of equipment and bodies.
"Fall back!" the Colonel screamed as the Lieutenant ran. The parking lot was in chaos as its leadership fled for the hills.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:06 pm

It is awesome Daniel. You are doing a really great job. I am very impressed. I am assuming its Tori's first battle against other humans? But of course I could be wrong.

And by the way, who is the father (of Distance's baby, of course)?
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:16 pm

I didn't say she was having a baby!? I merely exposed a secret regarding her appearance. Don't worry, _____ will make the same mistake. Wink

There are some assumptions the Tyrans have about society that humans can't understand. This leads to ______ ______ ______ ___-____ @#$%^, and that's why the humans are out there in walkers.

As for why there are so many Tyrans running around today... Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:28 pm

Which one of the robots in the video was supposed to be Distance?

Furthermore, what do the Tyran actually look like? I would like a visual, not like a picture but just a description. You don't even have to write it into the book, I would just like to know what you view the Tyran people as in your own mind.

Thank you muchly!!! (Yes I know muchly is not a word) lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:30 pm

Oh, how mysterious!!! I hope you will literally fill in the blanks soon.
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:29 pm

What's next?!!! Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:25 pm

As my good friend who I'll soon be discussing this book with over lunch would say: Patience child //_^

I think it's awesome that no one's finding anything majorly wrong with this. I mean I had planned it out before hand, but...oh nevermind. The point is, I need the commentary on what's wrong (or not wrong) before I can begin to write (or not write) what I have next.

Obviously there is a lack of description of these Tyrans (Tear-anz). Do I also need to esplain the implants better? I kinda did a hasty job of that (trying to fit it in the action). I know there are still complaints as to why Sarah chose to break up with Tori, but I've already revised that a few times--plus I intended for it to be wierd.--They've been together a long time so that sort of thing happens. Rolling Eyes Laughing Mad Sad Crying or Very sad Embarassed Shocked Very Happy Laughing confused Wink Arrow *shrugs shoulders while waving hands face up at waist level*

So ya, please let me know if you find anything that needs fixing.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 01, 2008 7:16 am

I don't think you need to explain the implants better. That can be taken on faith without any problems. Consider it part of your SciFi and let it go. The discription of the Tyrans is rather crucial because it gives us a frame of reference. Other than that, I have absolutely no problems with your story. You may want to explain the psychology behind Sarah's decision a little more, just so the reader can understand her motivation a little better. Because right now it seems she is just being a chicken, uncommitted, and is flighty.

Otherwise, great job!!! Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 01, 2008 9:36 am

Tori and Sarah had been together a long time (years). So she's been thinking about this for a long time. I'll try to esplain better in the story.

One other thing... Chapter 5 is unfinished. I'm going to be writing or rewriting it as I go. I use the board here as a place to get my ideas down. so these are the scenes I'm working on.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 01, 2008 11:09 am

Multi wrote:
Chapter 4- Withdrawal

...Sometimes he would scream as his arm was replaced with a metal spike, only to wake and find it had not been changed. Sometimes the dreams were all too real.

The Tyrans themselves weren't frightening at all. They stood a mere 3 feet high and looked more like overgrown, metallic chickens than monsters. At least Tori thought of chickens because they walked like chickens with extra leg joints, which made their steps look more elaborate. Their walkers were obviously characterized by their own body structure, except there were no weapons or cockpits sticking out of a Tyrans torso. No head of any kind could be distinguished for that matter. Instead there was a small curved horn that looked serrated on the backside and strong on the front. Tori would later find out that the horn served as a crude broadcast and reciever for their communication. All he knew was that when two Tyrans stopped and faced each other, there horns would extend and contract as if to express emotion.

One day he awoke and several Tyrans stood clustered around the table he was on...

I went and added this bit to chapter 4 to describe the Tyrans. I hope it is sufficient. Smile

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 01, 2008 11:18 am

Multi wrote:
Chapter 1-- Close Encounters

Many lights raced along briefly illuminating the darkness in a rush of wind as they passed on the 57 freeway. From down in the canyon the moon shown over the eastern hills of Brea and along the freeway below. Every speck of light that raced below it saw the moon as they would always see it. The sky and the landscape had changed little over the years. The freeway ahead was the same as it had been since its creation, and the many who traveled over it could not imagine the unknown world outside their continous circuit. They raced along, always knowing the road ahead, and still, they lived in fear that one day, their route home may change. Little did they know that their fears were about to come to life.

Tori ruffled his overgrown brown hair...

I think I've finally got the first chapter's paragraph down!! Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 01, 2008 12:01 pm

In "War of the Worlds" the Martian invaders are defeated by the common cold. In "Mars Attacks " they are defeated by a country western singer hitting a particularly high note. In Harry Turtledove's "Worldwar" series, the lizards become addicted to ginger, which causes them to mate obsessively. I wonder what the weak point of the Tyrans is.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Thu May 01, 2008 3:03 pm

I think the description of the Tyrans could be a little more clear. I have a slight problem understanding the description of the horn. Furthermore, why do the Tyrans starve to death very easily? Are they more like birds?

I do like your new 1st Chapter.
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Fri May 02, 2008 9:51 am

Tyrans are extraterrestrial. They aren't like anything on Earth. They kind of walk like birds....I didn't want to explain them as being like something because then you imagine them as critters and not sentient people. That's also why I've had the description so late in the story.

I want to answer your questions, but I want to do it throught the book. Smile
A Tyran horn is what they use to communicate (telepathically). It looks like a serrated knife on one side, and a smooth curve on the other. Plus, it extends and contracts (slides in and out) as they think to each other.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Fri May 02, 2008 1:02 pm

Multi wrote:
Chapter 5- Push

..."Whoa! Hold on there!" Punch shouted, "we're doing something different today." There were a lot of walkers heading off over the hills.
That's strange, thought Tori, Are we having a battle or--
"Will you shut up a second so I can tell ya what's going on!" Punch interrupted jokingly. Tori grumbled a bit, but Punch continued anyway. "We've got a massive surprise comin' to the twigs. Boss says it's never been used before! Says it should make everything faster. He's been runnin' round telling people this thing can work miracles." That was a bit much for Distance.
"Come on. We never get something new. That's just Capstone looking for bragging rights." Punch thought a second, and then gave Distance a prick just because he could. Tori noticed that about Distance and Punch. Punch walked all over Distance, and, yet, he never hurt Tori except when he disobeyed orders.
"Naw. This is fur real! The old stone's and idiot but not this time," he jibed. "Look, the twigs 'ave done it again. Twigster, you live too close to every one. I mean who shares their chargin' space with a girl?" Tori smiled, and Punch continued. "Nevermind. I'll never understand you wierdos. The point is, we got to clear some space." His walker turned towards the north ridge of the canyon. "We're goin' that way cause no one else's goin' that way. Got it? Just hit everything thats hot. We got to clear space for this miracle machine to do its thing!"
"Everything?" Distance's surprise earned her another twinge of pain.
"'Cept each the twigster, course. You cold with that?" Tori knew he meant 'is that okay with you?', and he nodded. With that, the gang charged up the dirt trail to the ridge, trailing a few other walkers looking for a group to join. It was an odd situation, Punch had merely assumed Tori wanted to kill his fellow man, like the way Distance wanted to kill any Tyrans coming after her if she had been freed. Perhaps the Tyrans thought they were liberating humans from their dull slow lives. Tori tried to put himself in Punch's shoes, which prompted Punch to laugh heartily, "You want to be me?" Tori dropped his train of thought.
"Ya, thanks for tearing up the cramped box I used to live in." Punch only laughed some more. Tori laughed also, thinking of the fakery behind his words. Thinking deeper, Tori knew the fakery only masked the truth. In a complicated sort of way, he liked being a part of the Tyrans. Perhaps it was because he knew he could never be the same human he had once been. Tori gradually rejected the idea, knowing the truth to be more twisted than that. Finally, he came to his conclusion. He was wanted here; he didn't have to work to keep his friends. Tori didn't feel threatened here, but most importantly, there would be no Sarahs here that would take him in only to brutally reject him after years of being together. In any case, tonight's going to be one interesting night.

--------------------------------

Colonel Michelson looked up from his papers to see his desk clock. It was about 18:55. 5 minutes til I got to hold that briefing. I better get moving. He started packing his papers, a radio, and other paraphrenalia. He dressed again in his full uniform before leaving for the makeshift tent in the parking lot. As he entered the main lobby, another officer came up to him.
"Sir, are you heading to the meeting at 1900 hours also?"
"At ease Lieutenant. Aff'." the colonel replied shortly. The Lieutenant commander started giving him a report about the fringes of the defense line, but the Colonel raised a hand to cut him off. They had just stepped over the threshold. It was nearly dark and the dimming sun was setting on the ridgeline above. No... That's no Sun. The bright light moved way to fast and in the wrong direction. It arched gracefully downwards, illuminating the ground below as it came over the ridge and collided with a house across the street in a small shockwave of destruction. It took the Colonel a minute to come to his senses. We're too close... he slowly realized.
"Take cover!" the Lieutenant yelled.
A lone walker jettisoned over the ridgeline. It hung in the sky for a second before launching two bouts of missiles and falling back out of sight. Officers scrambled to get out only seconds before the tent exploded in a shower of equipment and bodies.
"Fall back!" the Colonel screamed as the Lieutenant ran. The parking lot was in chaos as its leadership fled for the hills.

I finished Chapter 5!! bounce Very Happy
Yeee-ah! More questions to answer! x_x

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Sat May 03, 2008 9:23 am

So I was watching Ironman last night and I could only think about what my story would be like as a movie...

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Sat May 03, 2008 11:27 am

Worse than the book =P
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Sat May 03, 2008 6:34 pm

Is Iron Man any good? I read the comic when I was about 12. I read Daredevil, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, pretty much all of these comics that are now being made into movies. I liked Marvel comics, but never liked DC stuff much--Superman, Batman etc. The Marvel heroes were more flawed, more interesting, and a lot funnier. I thought the comics were great, back then, but the movies leave me cold.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Sun May 04, 2008 11:47 am

No, I really liked the movie. Ironman was my favorite Saturday morning cartoon back in the day. I recommend seeing it if you haven't already.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Mon May 05, 2008 1:10 am

I don't know much about Iron Man, but I do think that Robert Downey Jr, the actor from the movie, is really talented, though.

Not that this comment has much to do with your story. It's pretty good so far, but just a tiny bit confusing in some parts.
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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Mon May 05, 2008 8:17 am

I didn't know that Iron Man was a cartoon show too.

When I was 10 or 12, adults thought comic books were a big waste of time and tried to stop you from reading them. We used to scavenge soda pop bottles and turn them in for the deposit in order to buy them. They were a dime, and then they went up to 12 cents. 12 cents! Outrageous! Anyway, they were an act of rebellion. I don't think a cartoon show would be quite the same, although these days cartoons can be quite edgy and interesting. Samurai Jack comes to mind.

But I am dating myself and Alice is right, we are getting far away from Daniel's story.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Mon May 05, 2008 8:43 am

Yes, yes...
Well, that's great that you only see a few confusing spots, Alice. Of course, there is always work to be done. Please do tell me if you don't understand something.

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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   Mon May 05, 2008 4:05 pm

Curse you and your views!!!!! Evil or Very Mad You know 500 of these are totally you!!! Jk, JK Very Happy


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PostSubject: Re: Multi <-> Syn   

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Multi <-> Syn
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