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 Okay, my warm up story! (super short)

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Wind

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PostSubject: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Sun May 04, 2008 1:26 am

"What the hell is that?"

Kathy dropped it.

The boy with the pug face bent down and squinted an eye at it. Two more tried to do the same, but one look from pug-face - at least a head taller than them - sent them back several steps. He looked again at the girl. "It didn't kill you?"

"Of course it didn't!" Tylie stepped forward, hands firm on her hips. She bent forward slightly and teased, "you're not scared of it, are you?"

Quick, light footsteps and a cloud of dirt. He was already atop a wall. "Wow! What is it?"

Tylie laughed and Kathy smiled, quickly looking to the ground. "Hi, Kaz!" Tylie waved.

"Give it back, loser. It's mine!" Pug looked up at Kaz, who was still examining it with wide eyes.

Tylie shot the big one a glare. "It's Kathy's. She found it."

Kaz hadn't been listening. "It's so thin," he said, flipping it back and forth on one palm, "and soft."

Kathy was glancing at him with her head still pointed shyly at the ground. Pug noticed this.

"Loser! Get down from there before I make you!"

Kaz stopped examining it all of a sudden and beamed at the two girls. "Kathy! It reminds me of your eyes - it's even the same color! Well, except for this part-"

Kathy felt her cheeks grow warm. She looked up to say thanks, but Kaz had fallen to the ground in a crumpled heap. A coldness gripped her as Kaz's least favorite color began seeping from his forehead. Then the corner of her eye caught Pug's mean look, slowly becoming shock, and his stance, and the rock by Kaz.

Pug tried to laugh. "Look at him, limp and useless as whatever the hell that thing is." His voice trembled slightly because he knew he'd gone too far. "This is why I'm the number one pick for the army and he isn't even allowed to go. What garbage." Several boys behind him nodded. Some had run away.

Tylie had regained her senses. "You big, stupid ugly!" She screamed at him, fists and arms and tears flung straight at the ground. "You mean, stupid-"

"Tylie, it's okay." Kaz sat up slowly, that red stuff going down the side of his face. He winced and rubbed his wound a little.

Kathy rushed forward and started dabbing the blood with a napkin she'd brought out from her pocket. Kaz gently pushed her away and spat out some stuff that had gotten in his mouth and grinned at Pug. "Limp and useless, huh? I can still stand up. And that thing fell as far as I did and it's okay too. So what if you're going to the army? Everyone's going to the army, but I'm one of fifty boys who gets to go to school this year."

Pug's scared look began dissolving into anger. "You and that thing are weak and small and useless! Can it be used to make a gun? Can it be used to make a cruiser? Can it-" he stopped because Kaz had abruptly returned his attention to the thing again.

Kaz laughed. "Hey, come to think of it, we still don't know what this thing is. It's really pretty though." He looked at Kathy and smiled.

She turned red again and looked quickly at the ground. "Thank you," she said, almost in a whisper. Her voice sounded like bells in the wind. It made Kaz blush a little, along with several of the other boys.

Kaz returned his attention to Pug, no longer smiling. "Besides, I don't care if it can't be used to make guns and cruisers. Those just kill things, you stupid bully. But this," here he glanced at the thing in his hand again, "I dunno. I just feel like protecting it for some reason. It feels more important because of that."

"Kaz!" an old woman's voice sounded in the distance. Her steps were quick but her pace slow - she looked like an old grape - and a small boy held tightly to two of her fingers, leading the way. When she'd arrived she looked at the one with blood caking on the side of his head. She squinted a little. "Kaz, oh, thank goodness!"

"Hi, ma'am," Kaz said, rubbing his wound. "Oh, wait. This is yours." He smiled and offered the thing to Kathy, holding it between his and thumb and pointing finger. She took it gently and threw a quick kiss on his cheek. Kaz replied by changing color.

At this the woman gasped, covering her mouth with a wrinkled hand. Slowly, tears came to her eyes.

Kaz looked at her for a while and tilted his head. "Uh, ma'am? I'm still alive, you know." He looked closer and saw she was tearing up at the thing. "Oh! And I protected it. It didn't even touch the ground when I fell off the wall."

She sobbed. It was strange for the children because they'd never seen a grown up act so much like them before. "Where did you find it?" she asked between gasps.

Tylie stood up proudly, hands again firmly at her hips. "Kathy found it! Right, Kathy?"

Kathy nodded and looked at the thing in her hand. "From a crack in the ground," she said, "where the ships from the last war had crashed-"

"You're not supposed to go there-"

"Oh, come on, ma'am." Kaz stood up and laughed. "I bet you and your friends went there all the time when you were kids too!" He glanced at the thing and a blank, confused look overcame his face. "Say, what is that thing anyway?"

The woman laughed bitterly. "They're supposed to all be gone. Take good care of it for me - for everyone - okay?" She looked tenderly at Kaz. "Protect it."

Kaz burst out laughing and pointed at Pug, who looked sullen and defeated. Kaz didn't have an army, nor had he thrown a single rock. "I told you it was important."

"Ma'am," interrupted Tylie. "You still haven't said what it is."

The old woman smiled as another tear glided down her cheek.

"A flower."

---

The end =)

(edited several times for typos)
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Stephen



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Sun May 04, 2008 11:49 pm

I like the plot and development, but it was a little hard to follow for me. Then again, it might just be because I'm not a big fan of so much dialog without any background to follow.
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Wind

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon May 05, 2008 12:08 am

It could also be because I wrote it in one sitting and then tweaked just for typos =P Now that I'm rereading it, I transition between characters and topics too quickly in some parts. Thanks for the comment.
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aitokunaga



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon May 05, 2008 1:04 am

Awww.

I like that. It's cute. So how much in the future is this? After WWIII or WWXX? Or is it an alternate universe? It's not really necessary in the story. I'm just curious.
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Dya Cangiano



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon May 05, 2008 2:42 am

I think that the story, while a bit fast-paced, has a very interesting concept. With a little more detail, and perhaps some exposition, I think it would make an excellent opening chapter for a story if you have an idea of where you want to take the story.
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spleahy



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon May 05, 2008 8:32 am

That is a very cool concept. It needs a bit more detail to make it a bit more sharp but other than that I like it. So did Kaz have an allergic reaction I'm assuming?
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Wind

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon May 05, 2008 10:26 am

aitokunaga wrote:
Awww.

I like that. It's cute. So how much in the future is this? After WWIII or WWXX? Or is it an alternate universe? It's not really necessary in the story. I'm just curious.

Sometime between WWVIII and WWIX, probably right before a civil war that eventually leads to WWIX =P

Just kidding, I didn't really think of that. I just asked myself what might happen if nature were nearly eradicated and wrote about the first idea that came to my head.

Dya Cangiano wrote:
I think that the story, while a bit fast-paced, has a very interesting concept. With a little more detail, and perhaps some exposition, I think it would make an excellent opening chapter for a story if you have an idea of where you want to take the story.

Thanks =) though I don't think I'll be expanding this one. I prefer it as a stand-alone piece.

spleahy wrote:
That is a very cool concept. It needs a bit more detail to make it a bit more sharp but other than that I like it. So did Kaz have an allergic reaction I'm assuming?

If you're talking about when Kaz fell off the wall, that was because Pug threw a rock at him. Pug's kind of a jerk, but he's a bit sensitive too underneath that bully exterior =/
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Umbrangelus

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon May 05, 2008 10:42 am

Why is he called Pug, because of his squished face or because he is just that ugly?
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Wind

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon May 05, 2008 11:19 am

Sort of. I described him initially as "the boy with the pug face." I started just referring to that character as Pug to keep from having to repeat the same phrase over and over again.

I also did it to induce a narrative spin on his personality - a bit brunt and hard-headed.
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Aik Roy Heng



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon May 05, 2008 12:07 pm

I loved the ending. The one sentence, "A flower"- was perfect to evoke the proper emotion needed without spending a lot of words. Endings like this are truly the best, great job!!!
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spleahy



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Wed May 07, 2008 8:51 am

Wind wrote:
aitokunaga wrote:
Awww.

I like that. It's cute. So how much in the future is this? After WWIII or WWXX? Or is it an alternate universe? It's not really necessary in the story. I'm just curious.

Sometime between WWVIII and WWIX, probably right before a civil war that eventually leads to WWIX =P

Just kidding, I didn't really think of that. I just asked myself what might happen if nature were nearly eradicated and wrote about the first idea that came to my head.

Dya Cangiano wrote:
I think that the story, while a bit fast-paced, has a very interesting concept. With a little more detail, and perhaps some exposition, I think it would make an excellent opening chapter for a story if you have an idea of where you want to take the story.

Thanks =) though I don't think I'll be expanding this one. I prefer it as a stand-alone piece.

spleahy wrote:
That is a very cool concept. It needs a bit more detail to make it a bit more sharp but other than that I like it. So did Kaz have an allergic reaction I'm assuming?

If you're talking about when Kaz fell off the wall, that was because Pug threw a rock at him. Pug's kind of a jerk, but he's a bit sensitive too underneath that bully exterior =/

Ok cool. I must've skimmed over that part lol. Thanks for the explanations.
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J.Castillo



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Wed May 14, 2008 12:18 am

"she looked like an old
grape." I thought that was a funny description. I liked the story, although I
thought it was a little confusing at times. I really liked
the ending; it was a great way to end the story. I kept trying to figure what
"it was." And re-reading through the dialogue I realized that all the
hints were there. Kudos
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Wind

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Wed May 14, 2008 3:43 pm

Good to know, thanks =) and it looks like I definitely have to work on pacing.
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Andrea F



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Sat May 17, 2008 12:40 am

I like it as a stand alone. I'm also a fan of twist endings. =-D As far as confusion goes, maybe you could try changing some of the character's names. You have a Kathy and a Kaz, and I kept getting those two characters mixed up. If you are going to keep this so short, you may want to also limit your characters. How many kids are in the scene exactly? Do you need them all? Why not just have Kathy, Kaz, and Pug, and then the old lady. keep it simple...

I do like how you couldnt tell when the story was set till the end. Very nice. flower
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Multi

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Tue May 20, 2008 9:43 pm

Yes, very nice. So, do you want to do this, or the group story between you and I? I'd kind of like to know since finals are approaching... Very Happy

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Theophania

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Wed May 21, 2008 3:47 pm

The ending was good, I like that twist. Flowers are so gentle; I can't imagine a world without them. If flowers were
gone what else would also be gone? Would we even be able to survive? I guess life finds a way. Nice start, I like the idea!
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emmanalo



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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:57 am

great concept! i love flowers. Very Happy

any updates on this story?
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Wind

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, my warm up story! (super short)   Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:10 pm

Sorry, that first post *is* the story =P It's a stand-alone.
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