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Wind

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:37 pm

Thanks for the contribution, but next time you should hold off writing the next part until more people voted. You were the only one that voted "d."

So, to clarify, people vote for an option. The option that wins (first to get three votes) determines the next part - the next author must declare himself the writer, otherwise the original writer by default must write the next part.

You did neither of these (didn't wait for the vote and didn't declare authorship), but good job taking initiative =)
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:04 pm

Gee thanks, but bad writer = Crying or Very sad

You sounded like you really wanted some1 else to write for you. I mean, I was only writing a suggestion, which I can take back if you don't like. It's no trouble because I'm already writing my story and I don't need to be a part of your story, so I could easily get out if I'm not wanted. I mean I didn't ask you first if I should write the next part. So I understand. Neutral

I saw an interesting way to wrap up the 5-6 page short story and wrote it. Your welcome. Smile

Notes for continuing the story:
-Should this be a story about Aren and Kalyx, or Jan and Kalyx?
-A short story must end shortly
-I can write the next part if needed/wanted
-Who is Wind anyway? Who are you Wind? I'm Daniel, but no one knows who you are...

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:58 pm

Oh, it was a suggestion! I took it as you actually writing the next part.

It wasn't as much an issue of writing quality (which was fine, by the way) as it was getting a good enough number of votes so the story goes in the direction most of the people reading it want it to go. This was my bad in mistaking your suggestion for writing the next part without waiting for the votes. Your idea for wrapping up the story is interesting though, and you're free to take it in that direction (or any other direction you want) once more votes come in. Just be sure to declare authorship afterwards so I don't end up writing something while you're writing something =P

Sorry if I sounded harsh - didn't mean to.

On your notes:
- all of them? imo
- I wasn't really thinking of it as a short story - just a story that's written after people vote on certain parts. It may or may not turn out as a short story.
- You sure can.
- Okay, to be quite frank, I'm Wind. I physically manifest myself from time to time into a form that allows me to type. Is that so hard to believe =/ And nice to meet you, Daniel.
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:07 pm

Ya, okay. I wasn't sure if you wanted to remain anonymous.

So ya. If you like my story, vote for it. (That includes you!!)

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 7:42 pm

Hey, you removed "Chris" from your post.

=P pbpbffpbbthbhphthbbfht!!

Nice try guys.
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:06 pm

Wink (Gwatcha)

So what's your vote then? Do you like my stuff or would you rather try something else?

PS-The whole not-know-your-name thing really is good. I mean everyone knows me as the guy that's sits in the front and really likes to write and pick arguments with Nishel. I mean really, is that all there is? So ya, good job! Suspect

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:46 pm

*shrug* I'm actually thinking of dropping this project since no one else is writing it. I have an individual story i want to try out.

PS-The whole not-know-your-name thing really is good. I mean everyone knows me as the guy that's sits in the front and really likes to write and pick arguments with Nishel. I mean really, is that all there is? So ya, good job!

Yup. Sometimes it's easier to be yourself when nobody knows who you are.
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 10:05 pm

Wind wrote:
*shrug* I'm actually thinking of dropping this project since no one else is writing it. I have an individual story i want to try out.

Actually, Daniel contributed. You forgot that.

John Edlund
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed Apr 30, 2008 10:16 pm

Oh right! Okay, Multi, let's talk about it.

I would have no problem with you writing the next part, but I personally wouldn't use your suggestion for the following reasons:

- no one has voted for giant robots to show up yet. lol =P
- I never pictured Aren and Jan as the panicking, screaming type. Aren freezes from time to time, but I always envisioned him as a relatively cool-headed character, no matter what the circumstances. You do portray Jan as someone who can scream but still make rational decisions, though, which I liked a lot.
- That part about Kalyx short-circuiting didn't make sense. I'd imagine it'd take *tons* more to induce any strain on her processing abilities.
- The android would be smart/tech-equipped enough to realize Kalyx wasn't with Aren. He'd make sure before taking off with some limp body, because I wrote the last part to imply that Kalyx is what he's really after (the part where I have the android tell Aren to empty his pockets hints at this).
- I also envisioned Kalyx as a top-secret sort of thing that came upon Aren through some special circumstance. The android, knowing this, has to treat the situation as delicately as possible to avoid exposing Kalyx's existence.

But that was what *I* was thinking. Again, if you want to write the next part, just say so and go nuts with it =) Don't forget to wait for the votes!
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Thu May 01, 2008 9:31 am

I'd hate to see this story die. You must already have your individual story started. Very Happy Sad

I'll write the rest of this then since you don't want to and no one else wants to write (I'm declaring authorship (that makes 2 stories I'm writing)). Laughing pale I don't know how that'll work if we both have 2 stories at the end of the year.

Prof. Edlund,
If this happens, will you give us extra credit? Perhaps you could pick the highest grade between the two stories. Question

-No giant robots have shown up yet, the walkers are like cars in this story.
-I pictured Aren panicking with the way you described him thus far. It would be too perfect I think to have a clear head while some1 is shooting. I'm glad you think Jan is spot on.
-Alright I can take out the part about Kalyx short-circuiting (I might have already done that...maybe I have it as over-heating). I need to show something to tell how emotionally attached, shocked, and frustrated Kalyx is. Over-heating wouldn't be too much would it?
-I assumed that the android suspected Aren to have Kalyx by the way he played pool better when he wore his watch. In my opinion there has to be a flaw I can use for the android.
-The android did treat the situation delicately, while doing everything he could to steal Kalyx without people knew she existed. That means disabling Aren if necessary.

Hopefully you're suprised by the angle I come from and not the misunderstandings that I hopefully don't have. I want to keep everything they way you thought it should be, but I want to take it places you haven't thought of. I'll wait for more votes to see if people like my part, and if so where people will like it to go from there:
1)Is Kalyx not confident she can save Aren? Should Jan convince her to go. (I have this short of figured out)
2)Kalyx should go it alone, proving that she doesn't need to be dependent on other people. (I also have this one figured out).
3)It should go a different way--you give me suggestions.

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Thu May 01, 2008 2:17 pm

Multi wrote:
It would be too perfect I think to have a clear head while some1 is shooting.

Sometimes there's no other choice *but* to be perfect. Here's a true story for you.

Back in high school, beginning of my senior year, I found myself roaming an elementary school late at night (I want to say 1:30AM) - it was nestled at the crest of hillside - after one of my late-night runs. I was taking a rest on a bench in a lunch area when two cars pulled up to a nearby parking lot.

Several males exited the cars. Naturally, I hid behind the nearest stucture, which happened to be the back edge of a portable classroom. One of their flashlights revealed my shadow near the edge of where I was hiding, and one of them shot at me (so, yeah, apparently they had guns). I stuffed my pockets with rocks and ran around the other edge, quickly scrambling up a pipe that led on top of a classroom's roof. In the 15 seconds it took me to do this, two of them had just rounded the corner I'd been hiding from before while another one had flanked around the other side. The remaining male had hopped into his car and started circling the perimeter of the school grounds. All the while they were yelling things at each other, like "find that ****er!" and "we'll get the little *****."

Running was the only option. I was outnumbered and outweaponed, so I tried to create an opening for escape by throwing rocks to make them search in the directions I needed them to head. They were smart because they always flanked, but they never thought to shine their flashlights upward. They were also trying to draw me out of my hiding places by shooting randomly, but it never worked because I knew exactly where they were.

Sort-of long story short, I escaped safely and continued my jog back home. Yeah, of course I was panicking, but making any sound at all would have been deliberate suicide. The trick to succeeding in situations where the odds are against you lies in keeping a cool head no matter what, not screaming while hoping some ridiculous circumstance of luck comes along and saves you eventually.

Fact is, screaming while being gunned down is always a tactically stupid decision, even when there are more defenders than attackers. For one, it's a waste of energy and helps you completely not at all because you blind yourself from recognizing your enemy's position. In every case, not just combat, your ears are far more useful than your mouth is.

And two, when there are more defenders than attackers, screaming only gives away your positions. Why let the enemy consider the possibility of being ambushed when you can actually do it properly and surprise them?

So. Yeah.

And I personally wouldn't have Kalyx short circuit, ever.
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Fri May 02, 2008 9:25 am

That's very interesting! Wow!

See I personally don't have any experience with the things I write about. For example, I've never been in or seen a serious car wreck. Therefore I made Tori go on a walk after narrowly avoiding a freeway pile-up. I've also never seen a shooting, or been in one.

I needed to bring out the flaws of Aren to get him captured in a way that Kalyx had nothing to do that could help him. Naturally I turned to panicking, which, I guess, isn't all that realistic after all. I liked it because it also radically changed the adventure mood of the cafe to something really serious.

Could I have Kalyx over-heat? I need some way to have her express her emotion as Aren gets shot. Any other suggestions? I mean, its nice to know that I can't do something realistically, but I'd like something to use in place of the mistakes. Smile

Really cool story though. I'd be scared out my wits and probably be dead. pale

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Sat May 03, 2008 11:29 pm

Multi wrote:
I needed to bring out the flaws of Aren to get him captured in a way that Kalyx had nothing to do that could help him. Naturally I turned to panicking, which, I guess, isn't all that realistic after all. I liked it because it also radically changed the adventure mood of the cafe to something really serious.

Could I have Kalyx over-heat? I need some way to have her express her emotion as Aren gets shot. Any other suggestions? I mean, its nice to know that I can't do something realistically, but I'd like something to use in place of the mistakes. Smile

You can - I'm not the one writing the next part =P though I advise against it. I've so far portrayed her as being capable of human-like emotion, sure, but prone to malfunction? Nothing has suggested that quite yet. Kalyx has so far kept a cool head and has proven herself to be capable as an AI; to add to this, we know little about her (since I haven't filled in those details). Sticking in something like overheating because of - emotion? - would do nothing but further alienate and confuse the reader.

And I also advise against Aren getting shot >.> I'll admit that I've developed some form of attachment to my characters but, aside from that, you were envisioning this as a short story, weren't you? In short stories, you have little time to add superfluous things like violence and excessive conflict. Throwing in giant robots (tactlessly) and having people running around screaming with an android shooting things everywhere will, again, just make it harder for the reader to keep up. I know you're trying to make things interesting, but consider how the story's been keeping your interest even though I haven't thrown in any violence yet.

And even if you meant to make the story a little longer, it's a bit too early for violence on this scale. Think of what's been written so far as exposition - setting the grounds for conflict. The face-off between Kalyx/Aren and the android on the pool table can be seen, for example, as hinting at their capabilities.

So consider this: we don't know what Kalyx is, exactly, and how she met Aren is mysterious. An android is after Aren, presumably because Kalyx is with him, and Jan just got introduced to Kalyx. I actually suggest tying up these loose ends before throwing in shooting and hell on earth - so when those things happen, at least there's a good reason for them.

Just suggestions! ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Sun May 04, 2008 12:27 pm

You make me sound so confused. I've read the story and I know what the characters in it are like. You must have misread my suggestion.

I'm not throwing in giant robots.

The walkers I put in are the futuristic transportation. I didn't want to use cars. None of them have budged an inch. They are all unmanned lifeless vehicles. You mistake me sir. I would be tactless to throw your story away like you say by dropping giant robots in. Luckily for you I'm no tactless person, and I haven't done what you're accusing me of.

Kalyx overheats because she is trying so hard to get Aren to move so that he won't get shot. Her overheating is a combined frustration at being unable to do anything about the situation and her emotion at seeing Aren get shot. She feels helpless, as you have demonstrated before. She wants to enact her carefully planned strategy, but Aren is panicking and she can't do anything about it. Also, she feels attached to Aren in the short time they've known each other. Therefore, these combined are enough to make this imperfect robot overheat. You have to agree that everything is imperfect. Isn't this the best way to show it in Kalyx? After all it does her no harm.

Calm down sir. I haven't killed Aren. I just put him through excrutiating pain to forcibly pull the reader out of the happyland adventure of the cafe. The single shot is the only violence I've had. I know the violence isn't necessary to make the story interesting. Rest assured, if the story wasn't interesting, then I wouldn't have written anything for it.

As for Kalyx and Jan. These "loose ends" as you say, need to be tied into the story before it ends. I know you intended for your tale to be longer. Perhaps that is the main complaint you hold against me, even though you haven't said it explicitly. May I remind you that you are free to simply reject my suggestion if you don't like it. I appreciate you listening to me thus far (whether or not your reason is merely to keep this story from the falling into the void).

I found a convient and interesting way (if I do say so myself) of tying up your "loose ends". I brought Kalyx and Jan together suddenly in the face of danger in order to overcome a commond threat, thereby demonstrating great trust. A friend is in danger, and (depending on what people vote for) Kalyx and Jan will either unite to rescue Aren, or they won't and Kalyx will have to find a way to rescue him without help, which proves to herself that she isn't dependent, but also shows her affection for her only friend (so far as the reader has been told).

I appreciate suggestions and look down upon criticism because I believe no criticism to be constructive. This was your story. I will not write for it if you don't want me to. On the other hand, don't waste my time. I'll wait for your answer.

Until then, best of luck with your new individual story. I haven't had the chance at reading it yet.

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Sun May 04, 2008 1:36 pm

Whoa, don't get so defensive Razz I think Wind was getting worried because the walkers in your story are armed - having random mech battles on the street between random civilians (seeing as you say they are the typical mode of transportation in this society) would distract the reader. But you've cleared up they're just for transportation, so that's good.

Also, the part in your suggestion where people scatter as the android fires shots in the air can be classified as fairly large-scale violence even though no one really got hurt. This also gives you more loose ends to tie up. If you have people running around screaming because of an armed android, you have to find a way to resolve this event in a way that will make sense to the reader. Ignoring this may leave plot holes or will make the world as a whole harder to understand.

Multi wrote:
I appreciate suggestions and look down upon criticism because I believe no criticism to be constructive.

It'll be hard to improve with that attitude Wink If criticism isn't constructive, praise is absolutely useless. Criticism tells us what we need to improve and shows us, more deeply than praise ever can, how readers react to the things we write. I get kind of miffed when I score near-perfectly on essays because there's nothing I can learn from that (still doesn't stop me from being a bit proud though. lol). You can't learn from praise and admiration because they're redundant - they only tell you what you're doing well, which you should know already because you did them in the first place. Criticism is what really irons out the flaws in whatever you do.

Nice alliteration, btw - because, believe, criticism, constructive. Good rhythm in that phrase too.

Multi wrote:
This was your story. I will not write for it if you don't want me to. On the other hand, don't waste my time. I'll wait for your answer.

You declared authorship, so per Wind's rules there's nothing he or she can do xP And you shouldn't accuse him/her of wasting your time when you volunteered to pick up the story and asked for suggestions and advice.

Personally, I liked your suggestion. The screaming did throw me off though, and since Kalyx is essentially a machine I don't think her emotions would affect her the same way our emotions affect us. In her case, overheating=panicking=~dumb shock? haha

Oh, and I vote 1a!
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Sun May 04, 2008 3:25 pm

Assuming that comments only take the form of criticism or praise is a false dichotomy. You could suggest things or give advice (wanted or not). Criticise only if you want to discourage or punish someone. You do have a point, although with describing a wierd way of transportation in the middle of the action. It does detract from the tension. Thanks for the observation (so long as we're being technical about comment labels).

I disagree, you can very much improve if you have people that are willing to reveal the flaws of your work to you. I discourage criticism. Yet, please do look at my writing with critical eyes, and tell me my writing flaws. I need the advice.

I won't continue writing if Wind doesn't want me to. It was originally only Wind's story, and I don't want to take it away from him/her. Also, I haven't accused Wind of wasting my time. I'm giving a warning. I don't want to edit my ideas for this story if they will be called tactless. I don't want to waste my time finishing this story if it won't be liked. I'll wait for an answer.

PS--
Wind wrote:
Yup. Sometimes it's easier to be yourself when nobody knows who you are.

It's also easier to let accusations slip as you may feel a lack of responsibility for your actions. It happens to me all of the time (thinking about Nishel's book). Embarassed Very Happy That's an example of borderline criticism. We're friends and I knew she'd understand where I was coming from. That's another problem with not knowing who you are; I don't know if I understand where you're coming from.

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Sun May 04, 2008 4:18 pm

lol. I think you've been taking my last few posts the wrong way. Vicente was right - I misread because after reading parts of your individual story I naturally assumed that the walkers you put in your suggestion had exactly the same abilities and armaments.

If you want to write for it, write for it. My answer really isn't needed. I'd appreciate it tons since I'm working on another story right now, and I didn't mean for this one to become mine. I've been pushy because I've invested a lot of writing into it already, but that's why it needs people like you to step up and be assertive about their ideas. Don't get discouraged so easily.

So, have fun =P
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Sun May 04, 2008 4:22 pm

Multi wrote:
It's also easier to let accusations slip as you may feel a lack of responsibility for your actions. It happens to me all of the time (thinking about Nishel's book). Embarassed Very Happy That's an example of borderline criticism. We're friends and I knew she'd understand where I was coming from. That's another problem with not knowing who you are; I don't know if I understand where you're coming from.

It's also easier to be more direct with people you don't know, isn't it Smile People are more honest with me this way.
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Sun May 04, 2008 5:56 pm

True. I never lie. Very Happy

It's more a matter of personal preference. Do you want people being direct with you all of the time? Sometimes people prefer the normal courtesies to hasty condemnations. It's too easy to pick a fight online. Although, the best love letters are e-mails... (this I do know from experience).

Very well, I'll try to finish the story once enough people have voted. Again, those options are:
1. Kalyx doesn't think she can beat the android and Jan needs to convince her.
a)Kalyx hijacks Aren's walker vehicle
b)Kalyx finds a hologram projector
c)Jan has an idea to save Aren
d)Other

2. Jan runs for help and Kalyx pulls herself together to save Aren
a)Kalyx hijacks Aren's walker vehicle
b)Kalyx finds a hologram projector
c)Kalyx is so amazing she doesn't need anything
d)Other

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed May 07, 2008 2:15 am

I think that Kalyx and Jan working together should be awesome, since it'll make two FEMALE protagonists. So number 1 letter c would be my pick. That way, it'll show Jan's "smart thinking" abilities.

What if Jan, while watching Aren and the android from afar, notices some weak point in the latter?

Quick question: how will they find Aren? It's kind of a big place no? and it's not like the adroid will be dumb enough to leave clues behind...but I guess this is why it's such a good story!!! Keeps me guessing..
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed May 07, 2008 9:15 am

Well, Aren is bleeding isn't he? The android has to get out of there fast, so Kalyx have that trail to follow...

Anyway, that's 2 votes for 1...
1 vote for c, and another for a

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed May 07, 2008 10:59 am

Oh yea, I forgot about that.
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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Wed May 07, 2008 8:57 pm

Well, as soon as the android gets a chance to slow down, he'll cover his tracks. Then what...?

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Mon May 19, 2008 8:51 am

So I was waiting for more votes but that's clearly not going to happen

If I have the spare time I'll write the rest, but neither Wind nor I are going to use this for our final I think.

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PostSubject: Re: Okay, here's an idea.   Mon May 19, 2008 11:10 am

Hm, easily done considering how long the story already is. It seemed like Professor Edlund wanted 6 pages per person when it came to doing group work, so all we need to do is push the story to 12 pages and we'd have something worth turning in.
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