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 Thella Parked the Truck

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Large Orange Creature

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PostSubject: Thella Parked the Truck   Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:02 pm

Scene I

Thella parked the truck on the shoulder, careful not to get too far off the pavement. She’d gotten stuck out here before. With the engine off, the desert was almost silent, the only sound the crunching of the gravel beneath her feet. She grabbed her canteen and carefully stepped over the tangled barbed wire in the gap in the fence. Her feet crunched through the alkali crust on the sand. She gazed over the saltbush, sage, and creosote. She was looking for arrowheads. The wind ruffled her black hair, a soft sound like a breath on her face. She adjusted her straw hat and walked out into the desert.

She’d been here before. At that time she’d found a special place, a place where obsidian flakes were strewn about the sand just where the maker had left them a hundred years, maybe a thousand years before. It was spooky. The flakes lay as if they might have been knocked off moments before, and she’d felt like the maker, probably a Paiute, might turn up around the next bush. The wind and occasional rain stirred the sands, and she wanted to find the place again. New arrowheads might have surfaced. She scanned for the black flakes against the white sand.

Meanwhile, outside of time and on a different plane of existence, a pair of young energy beings was being disobedient and unwise. Their elders had instructed them, such as it is possible to instruct such creatures, to avoid gravity wells and the frozen places, matter being something like imprisoned energy from their multiple perspectives. The language of energy is about flow and change, and has no nouns, only verbs and subtle adverbs of motion. Nouns are things, and things, to such a mind, are frozen, obscene and dangerous, imperfectly apprehended by consciousness. But the youngsters, only millions of years old if time and years applied, a short span in the eyeblink of the universe, found the danger of the frozen places attractive. They dared each other to flow closer, and it happened that a tendril of one of these silly things brushed, ever so slightly, against the surface of a world, against Thella’s desert place. In a curious accident of simultaneity, a coincidence, this occurred just as Thella re-encountered the place of the maker.

The desert around Thella began to glow jade green and there was a humming, like before a lightening strike.

The maker leapt up from his granite seat and stared in astonishment at Thella.

The black obsidian flakes became golden in hue, and the maker dropped the point he was making.

The sage and saltbush turned blue, and crystallized, and began to grow.

The energetic entity, feeling both burned and frozen, shrieked “Slow flow! Slowly go!” and withdrew, but not far because it was linked.

The moment passed. The maker faded, but was running swiftly away as he did so. Thella blinked. The green faded, but the obsidian remained dully golden, and the vegetation blue and crystalline. There was now a menace to the place, as if it hated Earthlife, but Thella had been changed along with the landscape. She felt tired. She wanted home, but she felt that she couldn’t leave without taking something of the place with her. She picked up the maker’s unfinished point and broke off a twig of bluish plant. She put these in her vest pocket. The spearpoint was warm, and the brittle hard twig smelled of sage and something alien. Somewhat distracted by the fading shriek of the energy being, and by her own altered senses, she got back in the truck and tried to remember how to start it.


Last edited by dalek on Mon Apr 21, 2008 7:51 am; edited 1 time in total
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Umbrangelus

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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Sun Apr 20, 2008 4:18 pm

Well this is a curious beginning. I like it. What's next? Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon Apr 21, 2008 7:55 am

Scene II

The trip back to Carson was blurry and unfocused. She found herself at her front door without remembering how she got there. The energetic entity was still singing at the back of her mind, singing of the sting of its wound. She realized that her desire to come home was in part driven by its own desire to break the matter energy bond that had been formed. It wanted to leave.

Another harsh note entered the mix too. Ah, it was Jack, her guitarist boyfriend. A long wail of notes was seeping out of the door of the attached garage, which Jack had made into a studio. Jack had a new amp, a pawnshop prize. It was loud and shrill in Thella’s ears, with dissonant overtones, but maybe part of that was the guitar. Jack never played so loud when she was home. Her mind followed the sound back into the amplifier, and she felt the flow of energy in the wires and found something wrong. Tubes were mismatched, old capacitors dry. The push-pull circuit was out of synch. How did she know this?
She was mad at Jack, she remembered. She always went out in the desert when she was mad. She couldn’t remember the point of the argument, but there had been shouting. She had lessons to plan. She was a teacher. She turned the key in the door.

Jack couldn’t hear her come home because he was playing so loud. She listened from the living room. The high frequencies were harsh. Couldn’t he hear that? She opened the door to the garage. The notes stopped. Jack looked up, his long hair in his face.

“Hello?” he said. He looked uncomfortable, remembering the argument. She didn’t answer. “I’ve got a gig tonight,” he said. “At the Last Call. Sound check at 6:00. I’ll grab dinner out.”

“It sounds bad,” she said. “The amp.”

“It’s a Marshall JTM45! They don’t make them like this any more! I was so lucky to find it! What do you mean?”

“I’m glad you like it. To me it sounds harsh. There is something out of synch.”

“How would you know? You can’t even tune a guitar and you have trouble running an electric can opener.” Thella started remembering the argument. “I am going upstairs to change,” he said.

Thella walked over to the amp, which was still on. She followed the circuits with her mind. She reached out and healed them. She actually didn’t know a tube from a capacitor, but she understood how the electricity was supposed to flow. She made the currents steady. Then she took out the spearpoint, which still glowed golden and black. She knelt by the guitar in its stand and touched the point to each of the three pickups. “There,” she thought. “That’s better.”

She walked into the living room and collapsed into a chair. After a while she heard Jack open the garage door and load his gear. He shouted “Bye!” and was gone.

She spaced out for a while. Then she got up and arranged the spearpoint and the sprig of alien vegetation in a potted plant on the side table.
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Umbrangelus

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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon Apr 21, 2008 8:30 am

Perhaps a little more confusion about how she knew what she knew would make this a bit more understandable. Instead, Thella just knows there is something wrong and knows exactly how to fix it with something she picked up in the desert. If this happened to me, I would be freaking out thinking I had gone crazy for what I had seen, experienced, and now knew without any logical explanation. Other than that, it sounds great.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon Apr 21, 2008 8:45 am

You're right. She seems a little calm. Maybe more of an "Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening!" vibe.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:02 pm

Scene III

Time didn’t exactly pass. The singing of the energetic entity grew more intense. Its companion joined too. They were mournfully upset together, such as they were differentiated. Thella could almost understand, almost see their life plane. They sang in remorse. They were stuck in the frozen vicinity of the solar system. They cried out to their elders, who were far too occupied to hear. Their trouble was hard to represent in a language without nouns.

Then something changed. There was a death. It was not an energetic entity. It was a dog. She heard a clink from the potted plant. The alien sprig was bigger. And the stringy devil’s ivy in the pot was turning blue and crystallizing. Much was going wrong.

Thella started the flow of electricity in the TV, without bothering with the remote. Flipping through the channels, she saw the special place by the road. It was on the news. The rancher had noticed the turquoise blue vegetation and the golden glow. He had parked his truck, and his dog had run barking into what was now an unearthly alien forest. The black and white border collie died as it crossed the perimeter. Police cars were parked all around. A news van had its antenna up, and a reporter was doing a stand up. A place where nothing had happened for a thousand years was suddenly overflowing with people. She had to be there too.

The entities wailed in her head now. It was hard to think. Thella ran out the door, leaving it open and climbed into her truck. It started without a thought. She felt the explosions in the cylinders, the flow of electricity. The sun was getting low in the sky as she left town. The highway, normally deserted, was full of cars, many going where she was going. Without much effort, she stalled them, untuned them, and careened around, leaving them all behind. For entities that existed mostly outside of time, this was a particular emergency.

She jumped out of her truck and deputies moved to stop her. She started all the parked cars, untuning them so that they ran ragged and backfired. The cops were distracted and she ran past them through the wire and across the alkali sand.

The blue green plants grew tall around her, and the black gold obsidian glowed on the ground. Ghostly coyotes from long ago stared at her, eyes shining in the darkness. A glowing rattlesnake retreated into the shadows, as fluorescent scorpions crawled out from the rocks and arched their tails. The entities sang and wailed, and became aware of her. They blamed her, hated her. She willed calm at them and they projected their pain at her. She fell to her knees, overwhelmed. But there was another.
She raised her eyes and saw the Paiute maker on his rock with his tools. The entities wailed in his ears and he held a glowing stone, an unfinished spearpoint, his hammer poised to strike. His eyes smiled, though his face was solemn and determined.

Together they willed calm at the entangled entities. The maker began to sing a Paiute lullaby and strike his stone in time. The stones glowed brighter, the green glow of the vegetation increased, and the wailing became less shrill. Thella tried to heal the area, turn the energy flow outward, loosen the bond, release the captured spark of the energetic entity trapped there. She felt the will of the maker pushing her on. Together, they struggled. But it was not enough. The entity was still trapped. It wailed and shrieked in their minds.

At that moment, in another interesting accident of simultaneity, a glorious minor chord reverberated through their skulls, followed by cascades of notes and quick arpeggios. The music quickly adjusted to the tempo of the maker. It thundered big chords, and followed with delicate single notes weaving complex soothing melodies. The wail of the entities quieted in their minds. But where was this music coming from?

Thella suddenly realized that it was Jack, playing better than he had every played before. It was time for the sound check at the gig. She had transmuted the guitar pickups with the stone, and now everything was connected. Jack played lines he had never played before, in time with the striking of the maker’s stone, in harmony with the Paiute lullaby, in sympathy with the now less desperate singing of the entities. Everyone connected, aware of each other, feeling the beat, riffing on the motifs, as across history, distance and time, they created the true music of the spheres. And Thella worked the flows, healing the damage, pushing the energy outward and away until with a snap like a thunderclap, the energetic entity was free.

As the young energy beings retreated into a more comfortable plane of existence and a state of greater wisdom and experience, the glows faded, the vegetation crumbled, and a proper night time darkness descended on the land. The maker waved and faded from view, the music diminished and halted. The last flicker of thought from the entities sounded something like laughter, but might have been thanks. It was over.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:03 pm

Scene IV (Conclusion)

As Thella wandered from the site, no one paid much attention. The bystanders were all trying to start their cars, wondering what they were doing out in the desert at night in a place where nothing had happened for a thousand years. As she slid into her truck, her cell phone rang. It was Jack.

“You wouldn’t have believed the gig we had tonight. My amp sounded awesome! You were right it was bad before, but somehow tonight it was unearthly. We did the sound check, but somehow we just started playing and didn’t stop, and we played for hours. We did a long jam that had a simple rhythm that we just couldn’t stop, and I was playing stuff I just couldn’t believe. I have never played like that before. It was like I had a direct connection to the universe or something. And the whole time I kept thinking about you, and this weird Indian guy. In fact, I thought the Indian guy was sitting in or something. We usually record, but since it was just the sound check, we didn’t turn it on. I sure wish we had a recording, because I’d like to figure out what I played. And the audience was just mesmerized the whole time. The bar owner was so pleased that he paid us double!”

“Jack that’s great. I’ll have to go next time you play there. And that amp is special. I am sorry I said it was bad.”

On the drive home, Thella was afraid to reach out into engines with her mind, or any of that stuff. She could hardly believe what she had been doing. It all seemed unreal. But when she got home, she went straight to the potted plant. The turquoise alien plant had crumbled to dust, but the spearpoint was still intact. And it glowed.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:29 pm

Well, I guess my cover is throughly blown because I am not getting any more feedback. Since I was having you folks write stories I thought I should write one myself, since I hadn't done so in a long while. I knew I wouldn't get much feedback under my own name, so I invented dalek.

When I showed this story to my daughter, who is 20, she suggested that I ramp up the surrealistic nature of the desert scenery. I did add some new details, and I think it improved things. I think Nishell's comment is right on too. A real person would be much more upset about what was happening to her mind. This is similar to the problem that Daniel is having with his story. I will have to work on that.

Sorry for the deception.

(By the way, "daleks" are cone-shaped robots with organic brains in "Dr.Who." When they encounter a human, they roll around screeching "Exterminate! Exterminate!" This is not conducive to negotiation or inter-species understanding, so the doctor has a difficult time with them. )

Thanks,

John Edlund
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:19 pm

Wow! I never would have thought it was you, Dr. Edlund, incognito. But the story did catch my attention. I only read the first part though. The opening line reminds me of a book I read recently. I will read the rest of it and comment later. Smile

Also, there are still some people who are unidentified on this board, so I was wondering if you could post rules about identification. Or perhaps he/she could tell you in person if they really want it hidden on the board.


Last edited by Tiffany on Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:30 am; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : I wrote a random sentence didn't make sense...weird, it says I edited it 4x.)
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:59 pm

I kept reading "Dalek" as "Derek" until just now!

I will also read and comment later - awesome premise, by the way. My left computer speaker has been damaged for YEARS.

And you don't need to apologize for the "deception" =P You were right - most of us would have been too intimidated to comment honestly had you posted this under your real identity. Identities get ahead of us, sometimes.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:36 am

Yes, derek signed on right after I created dalek, and even I was confused. If derek had gotten on first, I would have done something different.

John Edlund
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:40 pm

Someone said that the details about the amplifier circuits and the guitar pickups were too technical and hard to understand. What do you folks think? More detail and explanation? Or less?

John Edlund
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:49 am

The details are fine for me - as a mechanical engineering major who knows very little about machines and general electronics, I was able to follow the technical details smoothly. Though Thella doesn't quite know *how* she does these things, the descriptions succeed in portraying that "it's just something she can do," like how some people can visualize maps in their heads and pick out capitols, or how some people can listen to a song once or twice or so and take it straight to their instrument. For them these aren't heavily fine-tuned processes but matters of instinct and gut. I take it this is how Thella's newfound powers work for her.

Now I understand that Thella's other-dimensional encounter has her feeling dazed and somewhat "out of sync," but I do agree with those who say her reactions are slightly nonchalant - or maybe just under-expressed.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Fri Apr 25, 2008 8:05 am

There are two things different about Thella due to her connection with the energy beings 1) she is aware of the flow of energy (electricity, heat, motion, light) through things, and 2) she is somewhat unstuck in time, especially when she is in the place of the maker. That is why she can see the maker, and he can see her, even though he is 1,000 years or so in the past. The energy beings have little sense of things like mechanical parts. They don't even have nouns. So Thella plus energy being creates powers that neither of them have alone.

None of this makes much scientific sense, but it is fun.

The person who was confused about the technical details didn't know what a guitar pickup was. Perhaps I should insert something about a string vibrating in a magnetic field, translating the mechanical vibration into electrical current. That is certainly something that Thella, with her new powers, would sense.

Thanks for the comments.

John Edlund
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Fri Apr 25, 2008 8:24 pm

This week I had a lot of midterms, I wish I could have been tricked!
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Sun Apr 27, 2008 6:00 pm

I still have a bit of problem with the conclusion. What happens to Thella? Does she still retain the abilities she had while the energy beings were connected to Earth or is her power gone just as the vegetation was dead? What happens now that the spearpoints still glow? This is what I hate about short stories is they get you really interested and then they end without finishing the story. There is no closure to the story. I really want to know what happens next!!!

Other than that, great job Dr. Edlund.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Sun Apr 27, 2008 8:13 pm

The glowing spearpoint was meant to indicate that she still has at least potential powers, and that a follow-up story is possible.

I plan to take the feedback into account and polish this a bit.

Perhaps she will get a job at a guitar shop making amplifiers and guitars simply amazing. She will become amp tech to the stars.

Or perhaps the spearpoint will give her contact with the maker when she goes back to the original site, and he will give her timeless advice. She'd have to learn Paiute though.

Perhaps Jack with his new connection to the universe will have great success. However, their relationshop was a bit iffy, so maybe he goes his own way.

Or maybe not.

Hard to say.

John Edlund
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon Apr 28, 2008 10:20 pm

Part of what I do like about the short stories is how they are just enough to get you thinking, and leave the rest up to you. I think the technical part was just fine, and too much more discription would just bog the story down. If Thella doesn't know much about the technology, we don't need to either.

Although I also agree that Thella seems kinda bland. The reader doesn't have much of a connection with her. I love the story line, but I don't have the investment in the character that would add the topping on the cake. Maybe some internal monologue from her, or some scene where she is talking to herself, trying to rationalize what is going on.... I don't know... Its hard to have her both in a daze and not. It just seems like there is a gap between us and the character.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon Apr 28, 2008 10:28 pm

Yes, I need to work on that. Sometimes, when you leave the viewpoint character a little undefined, the reader goes "That's me!" without thinking much about it. That is not working here, so I need to give her a bit more definition. I've got some ideas I will try.

Thanks for the comments,

John Edlund
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Tue Apr 29, 2008 2:11 pm

TheDirector wrote:
Yes, I need to work on that. Sometimes, when you leave the viewpoint character a little undefined, the reader goes "That's me!" without thinking much about it. That is not working here, so I need to give her a bit more definition. I've got some ideas I will try.

Definitely agree - a problem with using Thella as the main lens through which the reader views the story is that her overall sense is so incoherent (constantly in a sort of haze and slightly out of tune with her actions and how/why she does them) that it tends to transfer over to the reader.

You had some really vivid imagery going on, though - and while the story reads a bit choppy in some places (too many consecutive short sentences in some sections), the overall syntactic structure reeks of maturity and experience. If I'd taken the time to read while you were still Dalek (I kept reading you as Derek so I kept putting off reading the posts until later) I might have guessed that a student didn't write this.
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon May 05, 2008 2:34 am

I liked your story Dr. Edlund, it was a pretty original concept. I'm curious though as to which authors influenced your writing style...I'm weird like that I guess Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon May 05, 2008 8:08 am

I have a revised version of "Thella" that I will post a link to, probably tomorrow. I want to convert it to .pdf format, which I have to do on campus. Anyway, I added another paragraph at the beginning, more details about Thella's powers, and a bit more detail at the end. I also took better care of the poor dog.

My fiction writing is probably most influenced by Hemingway's short stories, but you have to be very, very good to get away with writing so sparsely. From the feedback I got, which was very useful, it was clear that I had to flesh things out more.

I think that writers are influenced by anything they read, especially if they read a lot of it. However, at the beginning of my teaching career I regularly taught a class for international students that I called "American Literature for Non-native Speakers." In addition to Hemingway, we read Saroyan, Sherwood Anderson, Jack London, even some Ray Bradbury. Because I taught the same stories many times, and because we read passages aloud in class and interpreted them, sometimes word by word, the style of those writers became very familiar to me.

I also like Tristram Shandy a lot. That is an 18th century comic novel by Laurence Sterne. The passages about the energy beings are probably influenced by that. Sterne was known for addressing his readers directly (Gentle Reader . . .) and for hilarious digressions.

Probably more than you really wanted to know . . .

John Edlund
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon May 05, 2008 12:57 pm

Here's a link to the revised version of "Thella":

Thella Parked the Truck

John Edlund

(Edit: Link updated)
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon May 12, 2008 1:06 am

Thank you Dr. Edlund for responding so quickly! I was actually reading Hemingway's "Big Two Hearted River" for a class last week and there was something about your story structure that reminded me a little of Hemingway, which is why I asked about your influences...but I completely agree with you about the fact that writers are always unconsciously influenced by most of the authors they read. Or at least the ones they appreciate.

I read your updated draft, and I agree that fleshing out the story and adding a bit more detail helped alleviate the confusing aspects of the story. The only real comment I wanted to make was that the dialogue written for Jack isn't completely convincing for his character. It may be just me, but I can't picture a musician who plays in bars using the vocabulary he does. But I suppose it all depends on where he's from and how educated he was supposed to be.

Anyways...I really enjoyed it!
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PostSubject: Re: Thella Parked the Truck   Mon May 12, 2008 7:44 am

Actually, there are a lot of college educated musicians who play in bars and pubs, but you are right, we don't know much about Jack except that their relationship is a bit troubled and that Thella thinks he's impractical. Rock guitarists are a dreamy lot, always buying equipment and waiting for a big break, and Jack is typical. Maybe the energetic alien is his big break. It depends on what he learns from the experience.

John Edlund
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